Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Bark December 7, 2011

Why hello blog world!?!? I decided to resurrect my little blog due to an exciting recipe 🙂 About a week or so ago I got an idea for this:

Last year I made this recipe from Jessica (the oreo one)… and it was amazing. About a week or so ago I was trying to brainstorm ideas for my Christmas baking and remembered that bark. Then I thought about cookie dough…. Then I decided that it would be delicious to marry the two – oreo bark minus the oreos plus the cookie dough! I let the idea marinate for about a week and then on Saturday night, late, I decided to make it happen. What a good/bad decision. Good for my taste buds, bad for my waistline. Oh well, it’s the holiday season 🙂

Yeah… that nugget you see is most definitely cookie dough!!!!

Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Bark

Serves a lot! (or just me and my husband… over a few days)

Cookie Dough:
5 T butter, softenened
1/3 cup brown sugar
3 T sugar
2 tsp vanilla
1/4 tsp salt
3/4 cup flour
3/4 cup mini chocolate chips
splash of milk – if needed

Cream the butter and sugars with a stand mixer. Add the vanilla and beat until combined. Add the salt and flour and mix again until combined. If the dough is too dry add a splash of milk and mix again. Fold in the chocolate chips. Line a baking sheet with wax paper. Break off little chunks of dough and place them on the prepared sheet. When all of the dough is chunked, pop the sheet tray in the freezer for about 15 min.

Bark:
20 oz. good quality semisweet chocolate, chips or chopped
20 oz. good quality white chocolate, chips or chopped
1 batch of cookie dough, frozen

Line a 11×15 (half sheet) pan with wax paper. Melt 10 oz of the bittersweet chocolate either in a double boiler or the microwave. I just used the microwave. Spread over wax paper and top the chocolate with all of the cookie dough. Place the sheet tray in the freezer for 5 min. While the first layer is firming up, melt 10 oz of the white chocolate. This is quite messy, but spread the white chocolate around and on the cookie dough. Seriously, both of my hands were covered with chocolate and I couldn’t care less. Place the sheet tray in the freezer for 5 min. Then, melt the remaining dark chocolate and spread as best you can over the dough and chocolate. Place the sheet tray in the freezer for 5 min. Then, melt the remaining white chocolate and spread it as best you can over the dough and chocolate. Freeze for at least 30 min. When, break off chunks of the bark and eat save them in a container. I stored mine in a gallon ziplock in the freezer, but I’m sure the refrigerator would work too. Enjoy!!!!!

Caribbean Crunch Blondies May 29, 2011

Why hello!!???!!???  Hopefully there are still some of you out there that haven’t deleted me from your google reader 🙂 I truthfully haven’t cooked/baked anything blog worthy in MONTHS, so it feels good to be posting again. I’ve been trying to eat a bit healthier so the baking just hasn’t happened, and my meals are so on the fly and squeezed in that they are delicious and healthy, but not spectacular. Arizona is amazing, however. I am SO happy that we moved out here, and I finally feel adjusted and at home… until the 115 degree days this summer. Oh well, no snow at least! Anyway… I made these blondies to donate for Tina’s blogger bake sale, which I figured was the perfect reason so get the recipe up on the site! I made these all last summer for the farmers market and they are absolutely delicious!!! I describe them as rum spiked blondies packed with white chocolate, macadamia nuts, and toasted coconut.

I started, as always, with getting my ingredients out and measuring them for easy mixing and preheating the oven to 350*.

To toast the coconut, spread it in an even layer on a sheet pan (or the 9X13 you are baking these bars in to keep the dirty dishes down). Then, put the pan in your preheated oven.

I usually set my timer for three minutes, stir, three more minutes, stir, etc. until the coconut gets golden/light brown. The toasting happens fast, so short intervals in the oven are key!  When it starts to look toasty, set it for 1-2 minutes so that you don’t burn!

While the coconut is toasting, cut up the butter and place it in a microwave safe dish.

Microwave on high for a minute, stir, and then microwave more until the butter is melted.

Add the brown sugar and carefully whisk until smooth. This can take a while to combine, so be patient!

Smooth

Add in the eggs, and whisk until combined.

Next, add the vanilla and rum and whisk until combined. I always use dark rum because I think it really brings out the rum taste in the blondies.

Add in the dry ingredients – flour, salt, baking powder and whisk until just combined.

Mixed

Then add in the white chocolate chips, toasted coconut, and coarsely chopped macadamia nuts. Fold in with a rubber spatula.

Final batter

Spread batter into a buttered and parchment lined pan. (9 x 13)

Bake at 350* for about 35 minutes. I bake 20, turn my pan and bake 15 more.

And I was in such a hurry to send these to the winner that I never took a picture of them cut!!!  Usually I let them cool completely, and then refrigerate for a few hours so that they slice perfectly. Here is an old pic from Christmas time when I made them for my blogger cookie exchange (on the right).

Make these now!  They are SOOO good and perfect flavors for summertime.

Recipe

Caribbean Crunch Blondies

2/3 cup shredded coconut

2 ¼ cups all-purpose flour

1 ½ tsp baking powder

½ tsp salt

1 cup (2 sticks) butter, melted

2 cups light brown sugar, packed

2 large eggs

2 tsp vanilla extract

1 Tbsp. dark rum

2/3 cup white chocolate chips

2/3 cup macadamia nuts, chopped

1. Preheat the oven to 350ºF. Butter a 9 x 13 pan. Line the pan with parchment paper, and butter the parchment.

2. Spread coconut evenly on a sheet pan and place in oven. Bake until toasted and light brown stirring every 3-5 minutes. Once it starts to brown, the coconut will finish quickly.

3. In a large bowl, combine flour, baking powder, and salt. Whisk together.

4. Combine butter and brown sugar in a stand mixer, or a large mixing bowl. Beat until well combined (or use a wire whisk and a lot of muscle). Add eggs and beat until well combined. Beat in vanilla and rum. Add flour mixture and mix until just combined. Fold in by hand, or gently in the mixer, the toasted coconut, white chocolate, and macadamia nuts.

5. Spread the batter into the prepared pan and bake for about 35 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean. Cool completely and cut into ~24 bars. If time permits, chill the blondies several hours in the refrigerator for a cleaner cut.

 

Thanks for sticking by!!!  Hopefully I will be having some more blog worthy food happening in my kitchen soon.

Do you like coconut?  I find that people either love it or hate it… obviously I love it!

Do you also go through periods where you find all of your cooking boring?

Life Update – Where Have I Been?!?! March 10, 2011

Sorry for the serious lack of posting in the last month and a half. Since then my life has taken a few crazy turns and I will be back to blogging more regularly in April. Here’s what’s been happening….

1. Joe and I both got in car accidents in January – we are both 100% ok, but the cars are a different story. His was totaled, we got a new car, and the night we signed for the new car I got in an accident in the new car. Thank you icy Cleveland roads. Luckily we both just hit the median/guard rail and no other cars were involved… and we were NOT hurt!

2. I found a new job as a personal trainer!  Great stuff, but that had me working 2 jobs for about the past month while I phase out of the old job. I’ve been teaching a bunch of boot camp style classes and loving it. But, I will be leaving this job because…..

3. I AM MOVING TO ARIZONA!!!!! The long and short of it… Joe and I have wanted to move there for about 3 years. A year and a half ago Joe expressed interest to his company about moving out there with no real response. So, sometime in February Joe heard that a new restaurant in his company was opening in Tucson in June. So, he put in for a transfer and also expressed interest in their two Phoenix area stores if something was to come available there. Tucson was a go (as a Sous Chef), but then he heard back from corporate that there was an Executive Chef opening in Gilbert, AZ. He got an official offer for the position on February 28th with a start date of March 28th! YIKES! A 2000 mile move in less than a month! We are beyond excited though because my brother and sister-in-law live in Scottsdale with their daughter and soon to be 2nd daughter (due on March 19th), and my parents have a vacation home out there as well. Plus… NO SNOW!  Seriously!?!? This winter has not treated us well, so definitely an added perk. So, packing, getting the house ready to sell, and still working full time has definitely pushed blogging to the bottom of my priority list.

Thank you all for still checking out the blog and I promise a good post once we are settled in our new apartment!  Speaking of, I am headed out for 4 days next week to find said apartment. We officially fly out of Cleveland on the 23rd!

If any of you are in the Phoenix area, let me know!  I definitely need to find some new peeps out there 🙂

Carly

Sweet Potato and Black Bean Burritos January 27, 2011

My boss spoke of these burritos long before I ever got a chance to try them. I was very intrigued – I love sweet potatoes and black beans, and who doesn’t love a burrito?  So, when she made them for our department meeting I was super excited to finally try them. As expected, they did not disappoint and I naturally asked for the recipe. The recipe came from a Moosewood Cookbook, and is incredibly easy and delicious 🙂

Start out by baking two sweet potatoes at 425* for 1 hour. I always poke holes with a fork and bake the potatoes on foil so that they don’t drip in the oven.

While the potatoes are baking, get out the rest of the ingredients:

Chop your onion and garlic. Meanwhile, heat the oil in a medium to large skillet over high heat. Add the onion, garlic, and can of green chilies to the pan.

Stir frequently and saute until the onions soften. Add cumin, coriander, and cayenne.

Stir and cook for another minute.

Set the mixture aside until the potatoes are done roasting. When the potatoes are soft, remove from the oven and cut a slit in each one to cool quicker.

One the potatoes are cool enough to handle, remove the skins and add them to your food processor.

Add to the processor the onion mixture, lemon juice, cilantro, salt, and half of the beans.

Process for 45-60 seconds until fairly smooth.

Transfer the mixture to another bowl and add the remaining beans.

Stir the beans in!

Now, divide the filling among six flour tortillas (I like the La Tortilla Factory Whole Wheat High Fiber ones)

Fold up the bottom of the tortilla.

Fold in the right and left sides.

Then roll the bottom over.

Place into a greased (I used Pam) baking dish, fold side down.

Repeat with remaining burritos, placing them tightly in the pan.

Cover with foil and bake at 350* for 30 minutes.

After 30 minutes, remove from the oven and set it to broil. Sprinkle the cheese on top of the burritos and broil, uncovered, for 2-3 minutes.

Keep an eye on them, and remove when the cheese is melted, browned and bubbly!

Serve with vegetable of choice. I went with red pepper, green pepper, and red onion roasted with olive oil, salt, pepper, red pepper flakes and Awesome Antler Rub.

**Note: this is a small plate!  Joe ate 2 burritos, and I had one… which means awesome leftovers!**

Recipe…

Sweet Potato and Black Bean Burritos

2 medium sweet potatoes (~20 oz total)
1 Tbsp. canola oil
1 large onion, chopped
3 garlic cloves, finely chopped
1- 4 oz can chopped green chilies
2 tsp. ground coriander
2 tsp. ground cumin
dash of cayenne
1 – 15 oz can black beans (or equivalent amount cooked from dry – which is what I did)
Handful of cilantro, chopped
Juice of 1/2 a lemon
1/2 tsp salt
6 flour tortillas
1/2 cup grated cheese (I used a Mexican blend)

1. Bake sweet potatoes for 1 hour at 425*. Let them cool until touchable. Remove and discard the peel. Reduce oven temperature to 350* and grease a 9×13 baking dish – set aside.
2. Heat oil in a pan over medium high heat. Add garlic, onion and chilies. Cook until the onion becomes translucent. Add spices and cook for another minute.
3. Add sweet potato, onion mixture, cilantro, lemon juice, salt, and half of the beans to a food processor. Blend until somewhat smooth (45 – 60 seconds). Stir in the rest of the beans.
4. Spoon sweet potato mixture evenly among the 6 tortillas. Roll the tortillas to form a burrito and place seam side down snugly into the prepared 9×13 pan and cover with foil. Bake for 30 minutes. Remove the foil and sprinkle the cheese evenly on the burritos. Broil, uncovered, until the cheese melts, browns, and bubbles.

 

What is your favorite type of cuisine? Mine is such a toss up!  I love Mediterranean, Indian, Thai… and many more!

What is your favorite bean? Have you always liked beans? I don’t have a favorite, but I didn’t start liking beans until about 3 years ago!

Blog Update Added January 21, 2011

FYI – I just re-did my recipes page with links to all of the recipes that I have posted. So much easier to find the goods this way.

P.S. Look forward to a post on Monday for AMAZING Sweet Potato Black Bean Burritos that I’m making on Sunday. They are vegetarian or vegan depending on if you use cheese or not!

**Edit** The burritos will come on THURSDAY now. Joe and I were invited to my parents for dinner tomorrow!  Can’t pass that one up 🙂

Need a Good Cardio Workout? January 20, 2011

On days that I don’t lift and just do cardio, I aim for 50-60 minutes. I LOVE intervals. I used to love treadmill intervals in particular, but with my foot problems I still haven’t gotten back on the treadmill. I actually haven’t run at all since September 12, the day of my half-marathon stress fracture. It is feeling almost 100% and I am planning on trying to run for like 5-10 minutes on February 1. It started feeling great at the end of December, so I figured another month of non-impact cardio would only help it to get even better.

Anyway… since I haven’t been running I have had to get more creative with my elliptical and AMT workouts. Again, I love intervals, and I find that interval workouts are the only way my heart rate gets in the 75 – 85% range. So, I though I would share my favorite elliptical workout. I have two versions, one easier and one harder. I adjusted the easier workout when it got too easy for me – hence the harder version. Try them, get your butt kicked, and let me know how you like it 🙂

I use a Precor elliptical – either with the arms or without. I choose one of the crosstrain programs which changes heights, or if I’m at my parents’ house, their elliptical has a random program that also changes heights. You will be in charge of the resistance changes. Here they are in PDF for easy printing 🙂

Carly’s Butt Kicking EllipticalWorkout

Carly’s Butt Kicking EllipticalWorkoutHarder

I am bad at wordpress and couldn’t figure out how to change the name that appears above… I just left it as my document is saved 🙂

Do you prefer when I post fitness or food posts, or some of both?

Do you prefer interval workouts or long and steady workouts?

How I Fried My Legs… January 17, 2011

I keep an exercise log on the blog, but I never actually log WHAT I do specifically. I have a love/hate with leg workouts. I hate them because they are hard, they burn, and I am sore for a few days – which is exactly why I love them as well 😉 That being said, I definitely need to mention that I lift heavy! I would highly recommend that NOBODY try this workout unless they regularly do these exercises with a heavy weight. That being said… if you are looking for a great leg workout, try 2-3 of these exercises with a much lighter weight until you build more strength in your legs. Then work on building to a higher weight!

I switch my workouts up every few months because I get bored. Lately I have been on a kick of a workout that models the Body for Life style of progressive increase of weight each set, with a decrease in reps. I have felt a huge strength gain since I started this about a month and a half or so ago. My new trend (not seen in this workout) is to also add in some balance and stability exercises regularly. I’ll post more on that with another workout, probably upper body. When it comes to legs, I tend to stick with the basics – because they WORK! I like exercises that use the entire leg because they are more functional. I won’t mention this below, but for each exercise I choose a core exercise to do between sets 1-5. I superset sets 5 and 6 (back to back exercises with no rest). I like using the ball, BOSU, bench, or nothing for my core exercise. I usually do planks at some point in each workout as well.

I always start with the exercise that I find the most challenging – that way I get it out of the way!

Exercise 1 – Step Ups (great YouTube video here. You can use a step, or I just use the weight bench. The step is nice for someone new to the exercise so that you don’t have to set it as high and build height as you progress.)
Set 1  – 12 reps with 20 lb dumbbells (40 lb total)
Set 2 – 10 reps with 25 lb dumbbells (50 lb total)
Set 3 – 8 reps with 30 lb dumbbells (60 lb total)
Set 4 – 6 reps with 35 lb dumbbells (70 lb total)
Set 5 – 12 reps with 20 lb dumbbells (40 lb total) -superset with Set 6
Set 6 – Bulgarian Split Squats with 15 lb dumbbells (See Janetha’s awesome video)

Rest for a few while setting up the next exercise

Exercise 2 – Front Lunge (YouTube video here. The most important thing to remember is to step far enough forward so that your knee does NOT pass over your toe)
Set 1 – 12 reps with 15 lb dumbbells (30 lb total)
Set 2 – 10 reps with 20 lb dumbbells (40 lb total)
Set 3 – 8 reps with 25 lb dumbbells (50 lb total)
Set 4 – 6 reps with 30 lb dumbbells (60 lb total)
Set 5 – 12 reps with 15 lb dumbbells (30 lb total) – superset with Set 6
Set 6 – Back Lunges with 15 lb dumbbells (30 lb total) – YouTube video here.

Exercise 3 – Dumbbell Squat (I keep my feet just a tad wider than shoulder width and hold the dumbbells on the outside of my thighs – see Janetha’s video)
Set 1 – 12 reps with 20 lb dumbbells (40 lb total)
Set 2 – 10 reps with 25 lb dumbbells (50 lb total)
Set 3 – 8 reps with 30 lb dumbbells (60 lb total)
Set 4 – 6 reps with 35 lb dumbbells (70 lb total)
Set 5 – 12 reps with 25 lb dumbbells (50 lb total) – Superset with Set 6
Set 6 – Weighted toe raise (holding 40 or 45 lb dumbbells I can’t remember!)

Exercise 4 – Romanian Barbell Dead Lift (YouTube video here)
Set 1 – 12 reps with 60 lb barbell
Set 2 – 10 reps with 70 lb barbell
Set 3 – 8 reps with 80 lb barbell
Set 4 – 6 reps with 90 lb barbell
Set 5 – 12 reps with 60 lb barbell – superset with Set 6
Set 6 – 12 Power Cleans with a 40 lb barbell (See YouTube video here)

Exercise 5 – Leg Press (YouTube video here) – Weights represent how much I added to the machine, I’m not sure how much the plate weighs.
Set 1 – 12 reps with 160 lb
Set 2 – 10 reps with 180 lb
Set 3 – 8 reps with 200 lb
Set 4 – 6 reps with 220 lb
Set 5 – 12 reps with 180 lb – superset with Set 6
Set 6 –  12 reps Leg Push on Assisted Pull Up machine with 100 lb. (stand on the left side of the machine with your left foot on the base and your right foot on the moveable bench. Press down with your right foot and slowly bring the plate back up to where your knee is a 90 degree angle. Repeat for 12 reps. Repeat on the left leg.)

Quick Leg Circuit – 3 sets of 12 reps of each. I do one right after the other and then rest for a minute and repeat.
1 – Leg Extension Machine
2 – Leg Curl Machine
3 – Hip Adbduction Machine
4 – Hip Adduction Machine
I won’t put weights because I find that they vary depending on the brand of machine.

I follow this up with a 35 minute cardio session on the AMT. If you haven’t tried using an AMT yet and your gym has one, use it!!!

If you are looking to start weight training, these are some great basic exercises. In each leg workout I always try to include step ups, some form of  a lunge, dead lifts, and some form of a squat. If you are just starting out, start with either no weight to work on your form, or very light weights (5 or 10 lb dumbbells, or a 20 lb barbell). Only add weight if these weights become too easy. Adding weight too quickly can easily lead to injury. Feel free to send a message if you have any questions!

What is your favorite type of workout? Self led, group, personal trainer, weights, cardio???

I plan to post some of my upper body workouts too, but…
Are there any other fitness questions you have?

I will also mention that I DO have a masters in Exercise Science, and I have been certified as a Health Fitness Specialist with ACSM, so I can answer questions as a professional!!

Thank You! January 13, 2011

I just wanted to thank everyone for reading my story, and for providing such positive comments. It was hard to tell, but I always feel better when I do!

**Note, the original post has been edited to add in pictures**

The Most Honest Post I Have Written – My Story… January 10, 2011

I am a very open and honest person. I tend to share too much on occasion, say things I maybe shouldn’t say, and I am blunt. I am a talker, always have been and always will be. So, for some reason it surprises me that I have never actually shared “My Story” on the blog like most other bloggers do. I’m not sure if it is embarrassment, the fact that I hate facing old demons, or that I don’t like to think about previous bad points in my life because I have moved on so much further than I could have ever felt possible.

However, the other day I was at the gym finishing up my workout when I noticed a girl wearing a gymnastics t-shirt. The gymnastics community is pretty tight knit. Whether we know each other or not, we all feel some kind of connection. It may have been that we all realize the long hours slaved at the gym with no social life during high school, the kind of determination we all had to have to stick with it, or just that it is fun to talk gymnastics with someone 10 years after you retired (i.e. graduated and really had no chance of going on in college because it is just that hard)! Anyway, I said hi to the girl and we ended up chatting for 15 or so minutes about life. We had so many things in common – mainly our struggles with body image, weight, eating, exercise. I shared with her my story – good parts and bad. I didn’t really think much about it until toward the end of the conversation she said to me something along the lines of – You just made my day. You gave me hope that there is another side of this and I can get better. With that said, I took a step back, felt shocked, and realized that I should really share my story. If I can help one girl to feel that she can get through her struggles, I consider my struggles worth the year of horror that I endured.

So, I have set up the background and if you have continued to read this, you are probably like WTF is she talking about!?!? Yes this is going to be a long, heart felt post, but it needs to be shared. This is the story of my struggle with an eating disorder – I know there are a LOT of people that can relate. I just hope that you continue to read, and if you are struggling with some of the same problems – THERE CAN BE A HAPPY ENDING!

Growing Up!
As I said, I was a gymnast growing up. I was decent, didn’t work to my potential, and scared of a lot of tricks. But, floor was my outlet. I was an awesome tumbler, and it gave me such a rush!  I broke my wrist junior year of HS and thought I was done. But, I decided to heal, and get back on the train for senior year. I competed for my high school, and it had been my goal each year to make states. Sophomore and Junior year I was injured, so that couldn’t happen. Senior year was my year. I pushed myself hard, qualified on floor exercise, and had FUN while I competed. Surprisingly, this led me to a 7th place finish – just 0.025 away from earning a medal. Hey, I was just happy to qualify so that was awesome 🙂 I never really worried about weight, or my body. I practiced 16 – 20 hours a week, I was a bundle of muscle, and that was that.

College
I went to Miami University in Ohio – if you know of Miami, you probably think that this is where the ED started. Not the case. College for me was filled with classes (I rarely missed), time with friends, late night eating, and drinking my face off. Oh yeah, and gaining a ton of weight. The weight mainly came my junior year when my best friend and I had both broken up with boyfriends and felt that partying was the outlet that we hadn’t had yet! I graduated in 4 years with a degree in Math Education. The summer after college I lost about 10 lbs (just guessing) just in alcohol detox. I obviously wasn’t going out as often, so it naturally just came off.

Teaching
I was lucky enough to get my first teaching job right out of college. It just so happened that one of the schools I applied at needed a math teacher and a gymnastics coach, and I was the perfect fit. I hated teaching my first year, but stuck it out for a second. During the summer between these two years, one of my colleagues asked me to join the gym with her. She taught me how to use the elliptical, and a minimal amount of weights. It was fun and I got hooked. I lost some more weight that summer, but I got to a healthy weight and that was great. I was working out 3-4 times a week, eating what I wanted, and drinking only on occasion. During my second year of teaching I realized that I wanted to go back for my masters. Since exercise had become so important to me, I decided to continue my passion by studying Exercise Science. That summer (before school started), I wasn’t exercising nearly as much because I was taking anatomy and physiology, and working full time. Bad excuse, but the truth. Oh, and it was also the summer that I met my husband, Joe 🙂 So, naturally spending time with him took a little bit of a precedence to exercise – oops!

Here are some pics from when I first met my husband. This one is at a wedding. (I used to straighten my hair!)

Here we are visiting in Pittsburgh.

Graduate School
I got a graduate assistantship, which meant helping with research, teaching some classes, and really getting to know the professors. It also meant my tuition was covered 🙂 My first two semesters (out of three) were great. I got back into my fitness regimen, and I learned SO much about exercise physiology that still continues to fascinate me today! I also gained some amazing friendships. My final semester – summer 2007, I had to do an internship and take a few classes. My internship was where all of my problems began. I decided to work with the fitness director of a local, private club. She also happened to be a figure competitor. She preached to me a lot of her body building diet and how I wasn’t getting in enough exercise. She was doing 2 a days of cardio with lifting in the afternoon. I got myself up to 5-7 days a week of cardio with lifting most of these days. When it came to food, I will never forget the phrase that she said that turned my life around. Cookies, brownies, anything with fat was “just not worth it”. She showed me her before and after pictures…. and I became obsessed – with working out, eating “healthy”, and restricting my diet because everything enjoyable was “just not worth it” if I wanted results. Joe moved to Chicago in April, shortly before I started my internship. So, spending time with him now went to exercise. I was planning on moving to Chicago in August when I graduated. At that point in time I was looking healthy – thin and strong. But mentally I was starting to get very unhealthy. I remember getting my body fat measured with that BodPod and I was at 14% and I weighed in the 120’s. That is on the very thin side for a woman, but I was so proud of my accomplishment.good – thin, healthy, strong….

Here are two pics from graduate school. This is when I was doing a project for my internship, starting to thin out.

This was my final grad school project. I was probably around 120-125 pounds in both of these pics.

Chicago
My time in Chicago was probably the worst time of my life. It should have been the best – great city, I got engaged, I was on my own… but I was so obsessed with myself, eating, working out, etc that I couldn’t even enjoy my time. I often look back and wonder how Joe ever stayed with me. But I thank God that he did because I could honestly be dead without him. We were working opposite schedules, so I had nobody to monitor my unhealthy behavior. When I wasn’t at work I sat at home counting my calories, measuring and counting everything I ate, obsessing about healthy recipes, planning meals down to the calorie, and challenging myself to say “no” to bad foods – i.e. sweets, alcohol, fat, etc. I would go to grocery stores and walk past samples just to prove to myself how easy it was to say no. If I did slip up and eat something bad, I would go on a 5 mile walk to get rid of it. I figured that walk wasn’t a workout because I wasn’t pushing myself to the extreme – severely distorted behavior. I once tried to vomit, but it didn’t work. I just restricted instead. I cut my food up into tiny bites and would eat so slow that I would never feel “full” because if I did feel full then I overate (in my ridiculous mind). I was the meanest person ever. I was horrible to Joe. I lashed out on him, showed him little affection, and I still wonder today why he ever stuck with me. I think it was because he knew what I was like before the ED took over me, and he was confident that I could get there again. I was in a spiral of depression and anxiety. I was constantly on edge. I had an amazing job that I took for granted because my head just wasn’t there.

Here is the fall of 2007. I am wearing an Under Armour shirt that I had to cover up to hide how thin I was. I was probably around 100-105 lbs here.

For Christmas of 2007 I came home to Cleveland. I remember my dad sitting and crying with me as he watched me waste away. He and my brother sat down with me and convinced me to see a psychiatrist to get some anti-anxiety medicine. We have a lot of mental illness in my family and several of my family members have been off and on anti-depressants, so it didn’t surprise me that I needed something. I was well aware that I had a problem, but I was so engrossed in myself that I didn’t know how to let my guard down and fix the problem. In January 2008 I bottomed out at 93 lbs. It doesn’t sound so bad, but I was lifting weights, so I had some muscle. I’ll put it this way – size 00 was sagging on me. I went on Lexapro in January. It really helped me to get my chemical balance back. In January I was at least able to maintain my weight around 100 lbs. Joe became convinced that the only way I was going to get better was to move back to Ohio and clear my mind. So we did….

Here was when I bottomed out… trying on my wedding dress over Christmas 2007. I was probably around 95 lbs. My hair, cheekbones, collar bone, and arms completely disgust me now! My hair was obviously thinning and falling out 😦

Back to Cleveland
That summer I got “better”. Joe is the main reason, along with my parents. We moved into my parents’ house for a few months while we planned our wedding and looked for a house. What really helped was the combination of my anti-anxiety meds and Joe eating with me. He put on a lot of weight that summer to help me get healthy. He would eat with me when I was hungry and keep eating with me until I was full. He wasn’t hungry, but he knew that I wouldn’t feel so bad about eating if he did it too. I went back to teaching that fall. I still hated it, but it helped me get through my problems. The consistent schedule was a big part of it, along with a great team of colleagues. I went off of Lexapro shortly after my wedding in October. I coached gymnastics that winter as well, and I truly got better. I put on 40-50 lbs of much needed weight. Joe has since told me that back in Chicago he wasn’t even attracted to me anymore. I just thank my lucky stars that he stood by me and helped me anyway.

Here is me in fall of 2008 when I got married!

Dancing with my man 🙂

Now
Do I still have lapses? YES! Do I still stress sometimes about what I eat? YES! But do I have the strength and support to get through it? YES! I have nights where I binge and get upset with myself. I had a little lapse this past spring when I was contemplating quitting teaching. It was incredibly stressful, and I found myself back in a size 2. I am a 4-6 when healthy. Once I quit, I let down my guard and gained some weight back. I am a little bigger right now than I’d like to be, I have horrible self control around sweets, but I wake up each morning knowing that I am happier and healthier a little bigger than I’d like to be, than as small as I was. I try to make healthy meal choices, and indulge in sweets when I want. The holidays have gotten me off track – too much sweets and alcohol. I’m still trying to get more consistent. But, the solution now is not to restrict and starve myself. It is to take the harder, longer road of re-incorporating healthy food, reasonable amounts of sweets, and a lot less drinking. Also, consistent exercise. Exercise is a HUGE part of my life!  I just don’t let it become an obsession like it used to be. Rather it is a stress outlet, a way to feel good about myself, and a way that Joe and I have bonded more. I got him on a workout plan a little over a year ago and now it is another hobby and interest that we share 🙂 There are things that I did to my body that I can only hope can be remedied later, but I’m not sure. My body doesn’t ovulate anymore. I am just keeping my fingers crossed that some the amazing doctors in this world can help with that when I’m ready for children. But only time will tell…

A pic from this summer – I don’t take pictures often, so this is the best I’ve got! My hair is a hot mess since this was taken after work where I wear a hat. My weight has probably fluxed a little since then (hello holidays!?!?), but I’m back on track!

Eating disorders are so hard to understand if you have never experienced one. I can’t explain what it feels like to be so obsessed, I just know how it feels. I can only hope that my success story can inspire someone else to know that there is a rich and plentiful life on the other side of it. It isn’t a perfect life, but it is so much happier and more enjoyable than a life devoted to obsession and selfishness. Having my dogs has also helped me a ton. They love me no matter what and have taught me to be a lot less selfish. When I have someone else to care for and take care of, I care less about obsessing about myself.

You don’t need to tell me if you have had similar struggles, because it is hard to share. Share if you want. If you know anyone that is struggling, or you yourself are, read this and realize how much better your life can be. Share this post with someone who is struggling. I never realized how inspirational it could be until yesterday when I simply shared what I had been through with someone who is recovering. Do one thing for yourself today…

Look in the mirror and find something beautiful about yourself. Don’t find a fault! I have great eyes – thanks Dad! 

Previously Unreleased…. the BEST Chocolate Chip Cookies :) January 6, 2011

I love creating and revising recipes. I think that’s my favorite part of baking. I typically will only make someone else’s recipe once before I go to town making changes. For example… I LOVED the Oreo Bark that I got from How Sweet Eats. So, this week when I made more to bring to Arizona I made it Peanut  Butter Oreo Bark by mixing some brown sugar and peanut butter into the white chocolate. I was stupid to make it a week before I leave for AZ because at this point I’m not sure it will make it there 😉 In addition to the bark, I am bringing those Ginger Molasses Cookies that I made for Christmas – downsized to 2 oz balls for better packing purposes, and my very best Chocolate Chip Cookies that I have shown before but never posted a recipe for!

I often don’t post recipes for the product that I sell. However, I really don’t think that I want to be a professional baker anymore. I love sharing my products, but making the same recipes over and over lost its fun for me. As I said above, I LOVE LOVE LOVE coming up with new recipes. When I’m selling, I don’t have time to create new recipes, and my customers expect the same products. So, with that, I will be posting some of my previously unreleased recipes in posts to come!

When I first worked on my Chocolate Chip Cookie recipe, I started with this recipe from My Baking Addiction. I started off with her recipe, and then for batch 2, I made some changes. I love using some dark brown sugar in chocolate chip cookies, so I changed to a combination of light and dark brown sugar, and regular granulated sugar. I also like a little more salt in my cookies, so I increased that a touch as well. Then, I tried to think about something different that would give a little warmth and comfort to the cookies – maple extract. HOLY YUM!  There is something about the touch of maple that just gives the cookie a homey, comforting edge. I also think this addition would lend well to adding some walnuts or pecans. I haven’t tried it yet because my family is anti-nut in cookies (what!?!?), but I need to try that soon as I believe it would be out of this world! So… onto the cookies! Recipe will be at the end of the post.

Ingredients – out and ready!

I started by weighing out my dry ingredients and whisking them together.  Then, I weighed out the chocolate chips and added a spoonful of the dry mixture to coat them. I find this helps the chocolate chips to stay mixed in the final dough instead of sinking to the bottom.

Then, I weighed out the sugars, and added cubed COLD butter to the mix.

Cream it! This takes a while because the butter is cold. Just walk away for a few if you have to.

Add in the eggs, one at a time, and mix well between each.

The eggs will help the dough get fluffy and smooth!

Add in the extracts.

Mix it up!

Then, add in the dry mixture. I do this in about 3 additions, mixing until just combined each time.

Then, mix in those chips – either on low or by hand. Then, wrap the dough in plastic wrap.

I always chill my dough before I bake. I truly think it helps to have cold dough if you want a really doughy cookie! I chill for at least several hours (4-6), and if possible overnight. I was able to chill the dough overnight this time. Then, I roll the dough into 45g dough balls (a little over 1.5 oz). I usually can fit about 8 – 9 on a large baking sheet lined with Silpat.

They usually take 14-16 minutes to bake. They will look caramel colored around the edges and underbaked in the middle.

Cool on the sheet for a few, and then cool completely on a wire rack. Or, you can always sneak one warm 😉

This is a cute pic, but I definitely need better backgrounds than my kitchen!

 

Chocolate Chip Cookies

2 3/4 cups all-purpose flour (344 g)
1 1/4 tsp salt
1 tsp baking powder
1/4 tsp baking soda
2 1/2 cups semisweet chocolate chips (454 g)
1/2 cup dark brown sugar (110 g)
1 cup light brown sugar (220 g)
1/2 cup granulated sugar (100 g)
1 cup (2 sticks) butter, COLD and cubed
2 large eggs
2 tsp vanilla extract
1/2 tsp maple extract

1. Whisk together flour,  salt, baking soda, and baking powder. Add a spoonful to the chocolate chips and stir to coat.
2. In the bowl of a stand mixer, combine sugars and butter. Cream for several minutes until well combined. Add eggs one at a time, beating well between each addition, the mixture will be paler and fluffy. Add in extracts and mix well. In 3 additions, add in the dry mixture. Mix until just combined with each addition. Slowly mix in the chocolate chips on low speed or by hand. Cover and chill for several hours or overnight.
3. Preheat oven to 350*. Line a baking sheet with parchment or silpat. Weigh the dough into 45 g dough balls. Bake for 14-16 minutes until the edges are caramel colored and the center looks slightly underbaked. Cool for about 8-10 minutes on the baking sheet and then transfer to a wire rack to cool completely.

The edges of the cookies are a crisp, caramel flavor while the center stays chewy, soft, and doughy!!  They are simply the best 🙂

Coming soon…. a fitness post!

Happy New Year!!!! A little late, but I this is my first post of 2011!